In a haze of half wakefulness

Another longer period between entries, because life moves like the pattern of the tides…ebb and flow.

C and I have been seeing a lot of changes lately. Some of them are more difficult to embrace than others, but all of them are ultimately positive…I think. My schedule has shifted slightly, and I’m getting up earlier in the morning than I have in the past. It’s going to take some time to adjust, because I tend to stay up late, and I’m not sure that I’m ready to give up those quiet, evening hours. (The mornings are quiet, too, but it’s a different sort of space.)

One project that C and I have been working on is an Etsy shop to display some of his smaller sculptures. We’re still working on getting things right, especially in regard to the photography, but we’re learning as we go. If you’re inclined, take a look, and if you have any constructive feedback, I’m all ears.

A Perfect Day for Brooding

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day.
Little Johnny wants to play;
Rain, rain, go to Spain,
Never show your face again!

Interestingly enough, this children's poem dates back to the reign of Elizabeth I during the time when the Spanish Armada was defeated partially by unfavorable weather conditions.

I have no Armada to defeat, but I'd like to warm myself in the sun which is nowhere to be found.

I have spread my dreams under your feet

I didn’t have any coffee this morning, and my head is full of fuzz. I’m not sure if it’s caused by a lack of caffeine, an allergy flair up, or something entirely different. Unfortunately, it’s making me feel like the clock is moving back a half a minute for every minute that it moves forward.

Until September of last year, I had never been a big coffee drinker, but I haven’t smoked a cigarette since 09/04 (Go me!), and in its stead, I’ve taken up a small coffee habit. It’s an acceptable trade, and I especially enjoy trips to the local bookstore and its in house coffee shop. I’ve been trying to get out more often.

Books I’ve read this year that I haven’t had the energy to write about:
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank
Coastliners by Joanne Harris
Day of the Triffids by John Wyndham
Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke
My Antonia by Willa Cather
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man – James Joyce
The Postman by David Brin
Spook Country by William Gibson
Sundiver by David Brin
Trilby by George du Maurier
We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson

Other things that have been occupying space in my head:
The Red Barn Murder of Maria Marten
The Neolithic Ruins of Orkney
Relocation: where to and how to make it happen
He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven by William Butler Yeats

Farewell March

March was a month of backwards stepping and frustration, but some of the issues, fortunately, have been worked out, and I’m hoping that April will be punctuated by forward motion.

The good things were:

Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke – This novel moved slowly at some points, but overall, it was a clever and enjoyable romp through the re-establishment of magic in England. The ending wasn’t as strong as I had hoped it would be, but the characters were memorable and well developed, and I do look forward to a second volume. Mostly, I’m interested in the fate of John Childermass, the character that’s most compelling to me due to his somewhat ambiguous nature.

One Cello X 16: Natoma by Zoe Keating – This album has been on heavy rotation. It’s become the soundtrack for steampunk imaginings, and I’ve been using it as inspiration for my foray into the unnatural aging of objects. (I’ve been playing mostly with tea-dying and patina solution)

The Subtle Emergence of Spring – We’re still having periodic snow showers in Denver, but there’s a blanket of green forming on the ground, and the critters have come out to play. My allergies are acting up, and I’m constantly living in a benadryl haze, but at least there are signs of life.

Monday Ramblings

The sun was out for most of the day, and it made me long for springtime...rather unfortunate considering that it's only January, but it gives me even more reason to look forward to a small vacation that I have planned from the 23rd to the 27th. I'll be flying out to California to visit my dear friend, Jen, and her lovely daughter, Ish. I have no idea what's on the agenda, but I'm sure that we'll come up with some sort of mischief.

My resolutions are all in line at the moment. I've been to the psychologist twice, and I'm pleased with the way things are going. I've been making small goals and meeting them despite outside pressures, which is the direction I need to be moving towards. I've done yoga three times a week, and I had an appointment with an endocrinologist last Wednesday. No verdict on that visit, and I think I won't really have any answers for at least another 30 days while they do all of their mad experiments on my blood.

This evening, Christoph and I watched Batman Returns, and I think it may be the first Batman film that I actually enjoyed. It was grittier than the other films, and I'm looking forward to the next installment. I also like the idea of Maggie Gyllenhaal playing Rachel Dawes as I'm not much of a Katie Holmes fan. I also found it rather interesting that Liam Neeson played the role of the big, bad meanie while Michael Caine was Alfred. I will always and forever think of Michael Caine as the dark and twisted puritan...

2007, The Year Without A Summer

For me, the defining moments of this year involve mental and physical illness, sorrow, and death chased by death. It's been one of the darker times in my life (though there have been others), and I can't say that I'm walking into 2008 unscathed and without any scars to bear. I am, however, choosing to view myself as a tarnished piece of silver that may be more interesting than something shiny and untouched by life...at least, that's what I'm hoping for.

My resolutions for 2008 are as follows:

1. To regain control of my mental and physical health. I've already scheduled appointments with both my doctor and a psychologist to help send me on the right path, and I've been keeping a pen and paper journal that allows me to exorcise some of the uglier demons that are camping out in my head.

2. To practice yoga or some other kind of exercise at least three times a week. This goes along with my first resolution, but it needed to be a bit more specific. I was doing this during the beginning part of the year, and it helped significantly.

3. To learn to take time for myself and to draw personal boundaries so that others won't leave me completely drained of vitality. No has done this purposefully, but there have been a lot of needy and broken people in my life, and to a certain degree, I'm needing to step back from the role of caregiver.

I'm not sure how I'm going to accomplish some of these goals, but I know that 2008 is a year for healing and creating.

Captain Mandible Says Hello

For cathartic reasons, I deleted my livejournal after keeping it for more than three years. It contained all of the darkness that I no longer wish to hold onto, and Cities Beneath the Sea is now my central location within the wires. This doesn't really change anything. I just wanted to mention it.

Currently Reading:

All Creatures Great and Small by James Herriot
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce

Recently Watched:

The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Stranger Than Fiction
Sherrybaby
This is England
The Road to Wellville
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

Enjoying:

Night time dog walking and snow frolicking.
Good Earth Tea Original Blend
The newest Gravenhurst Album - The Western Lands

Where I've Been...

Princess Haiku posted a nice note asking me to come back soon, and I just want to check in and let everyone know that I'm still here, and I do intend to post more in the future. I'm just not certain when. (Thank you, Princess H)

The past year, for me, has been filled with illness and punctuated by death. I've lost two of the most influentual women in my life, my grandmother (July 5th) and my step-mother (November 7th) and I'm having a very difficult time dealing with both of these losses. Everything is still fresh and somewhat surreal. I have no doubt that things will get better, but they're currently very different, and there's an everpresent void that's hard to contend with.

Cyan in celluloid...

I've been watching a lot of video blogs on YouTube, and I made this video as a way to say hello to some of the people who's channels I've subscribed to. I figured that I would share it here as well. It's kind of silly, but I can be kind of silly...so there you go.

http://www.youtube.com/v/kS0g8Mrnzlk

I'm alive, honest...

It's been 21 days since I last posted, and I figure that I should drop in and say (in my best Monty Python impression), "I'm not dead yet..."

I had a little surgery in the middle of November, and I always find that December is a good month for reflection. As a consequence of both of those things, I've been spending a lot more time on private thoughts rather than public ones.

I've also been preparing myself for Solstice. It's right around the corner, and there's much to be done...Unfortunately, it's not a favourite holiday of mine. I guess I'm a bit of a Scroogey McScrooge, but I'm trying not to be. I think I just need to work on developing my own traditions that don't involve the parts of the holiday that I consider to be negative.

Welcome to the world, little Ish

Yay!

It's a girl, and she was born at 6:30 PM on November 13, 2006 in Loma Linda, CA.

7lb. 2oz.

and her name is Ishtar Anoushka.

I'm elated!

Rites of Passage

Apparently, within my circle, jury duty is a herald of rites of passage.

The last time that I was called, I ended up getting married on the same day as my civil service. Today, Christoph has jury duty, and I've received a call that one of my nearest and dearest friends is in labor. I'm so excited!

Denver Voting

I waited in line for over an hour to vote at our local library, and the computers went down during that time frame. Volunteers were directing people to other locations where they claimed (incorrectly, according to the newspapers) that there was no wait, but I was on foot, so I just stayed where I was.

My votes are in, and I'm happy. I didn't get everything that I wanted, but there were enough positive results to leave me feeling cheerful.

Sad and Disturbed

Yesterday, there was a shooting in my hometown at the high school that I graduated from, and the hostilities occurred in the classroom of a teacher who profoundly influenced me during my teenage years.

The news is still coming in as the investigators feel comfortable with revealing certain details, and I must admit that I'm rather shocked that something like this has occurred in Bailey. I'm relatively certain that my response is naive, but it's difficult to imagine something so terrible happening in the small town that I know so intimately.

I'm sad for the community, and I can't get the sick feeling out of my stomach that tells me that something is terribly wrong with humanity. It's the same feeling that I get nearly every time that I read the news, but this time it's a bit more personal and thus, a bit more hard hitting.